...Another year. I feel a little different as I begin my third year here. Maybe because I'm halfway done, maybe because I've finally entered my second decade of life, maybe because I'm living in a fun house off campus with some really fun girls. I don't know, something is just different. This past summer I worked for Badgerette pom pon as a staff member at their summer camps. I taught high school girls poms but I think I learned more about myself than I ever could have taught to anyone. I was so blessed to work with the most amazing group of people I've ever known, I truly had 10 new best friends at the end of the summer and even though I won't see them until next summer, we all share this understanding of each other which is really hard to come by. I feel like I'm almost a different person, I'm older or something, I've had real responsibilities and real relationships and I've been shown that I have real purpose in my life. That I'm good at what I do, and that my heart is so deeply involved in what I enjoy. I just might have made the right decisions in life, maybe I'm on the right path even though I so often doubt myself.
My summer has made me someone new. I have this fear of singing in front of people. Yes, I am a voice major, and that seems kind of ridiculous, but at every camp the staff does a skit. And I said I would sing the national anthem to kick it off. I cried. At the first camp, I cried because I didn't think I could do it. I just really lack confidence in that area. But when the skit rolled around, I got out there (playing Christina Aguilera of course) in my skimpy little dress and my black heels with my microphone and I belted the fricking national anthem. I got in the splits as I hit the high notes and added totally unnecessary trills. I was ridiculous. In front of people. And I loved it. And you know what? I sounded really good.
Little things like this are different in me. I'm here at school and I feel myself really wanting to focus on my music and my dance. I want to meet new people, I want to go out and be 20 and make college memories and do stupid things and make stupid mistakes and do well in school and live my life. It's scary but soon enough I won't be here, a student at madison. Soon enough I'll be trying to find a teaching job, or taking big risks and moving somewhere to try to be on broadway or something insane like that. Maybe this year should be the year that I do the things that scare me. The things that I think I need to do, I just really don't want to do them. For fear that nothing will really ever be the same, or because of this idea I have in my head that I need this comfort to keep myself sane. I don't need comfort. I need the opposite, not to be uncomfortable, but to find new comforts for myself. How else am I going to grow? If I keep the same comforts, I'll never see whats really out there or all the options that surround me. If I keep the same comforts, I'm not giving myself the credit that I deserve. I am a good person. I am nice, I have talent, I can be a lot of fun, and I deserve to live a good life. So this year I am not letting anything or anyone hold me back from what I want to do. It may be selfish, but sometimes I think we need to be selfish and live for ourselves. No holding back. Do the crazy things I want to do, with absolutely no regret. Sing the national anthem in heels and in the splits. Try out for everything. Meet so many new friends that I have to keep a calendar of all the fun things I have planned. Get tivo so I don't waste so much time watching the damn commercials during all the shows I so dearly love. I feel different this year, so therefore it's going to be different. And that is that.

Do you ever wonder, what am I doing? How did I get stuck here? Is it too late to change? Is everything going to fall apart? Am I going to be happy? Is this really what I want? Did I make a decision for the rest of my life too soon? Why is it that I am studying music when in fact, dance is the only thing that really incites this incredible passion? Its sad that I didn't think about my life really before I got into this music program. Sure I'll be happy as a music teacher, but what if I'm supposed to be somewhere else doing something else?

Today is my grandpa's birthday. He would be 79 years old I believe. I still almost don't believe that he isn't there anymore. Being at school, it just seems like I don't see him because I'm not at home. Everytime I go home, I think he'll be outside on his porch on the swing that he made and wave to me when I pull in the driveway. I miss him so very much. Happy Birthday Pop.

Well today is a special day. It's been a whole year since Josh and I got back together. Today marks our second "1 year" together, since there was a little break in the middle. Unfortunately, this is a very busy week and Josh has 2 exams tomorrow, so we aren't celebrating... but we'll have a belated celebration soon I'm sure. I cannot believe that it has gone as fast as it has, although it seems like we've always been together or at least that we should have been. But things are a whole lot different than they used to be. Different in a good, more mature, serious, crazy in love kind of way. I honestly don't know what I would do without him, and as scary as that is to say or as obsessive as that may sound... it's true because he isn't just a boyfriend, he's my best friend. Theres so much I could say, but it almost doesn't need explaining. There will be many more years to celebrate, I just know it.

So I haven't posted anything in forever, but I like these:

Pass it on...
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie/book/fictional character reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a substance to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least me.
5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal or plant you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

I'm back in Madison now, so if anyones ever coming up I've got a futon and a couch and lots of room for guests :)

I am looking to buy a new digital camera. I know nothing about cameras really so I need some advise. These are my only requirements:

1. I don't want to spend an arm and a leg for it.
2. Must have a zoom lens because my one now sucks and doesn't have that.
3. Large enough capacity for my excessive picture taking.
4. Small and cute.
5. Easy to use.

Any thoughts for me? I'd appreciate it. :)

I'm sitting here in my room. My room with the beds on the ground, and the desks side by side. My room with the curtains off the closets, and my clothes packed in suitcases. With no pictures on the walls or colorful pillows on the beds or tv to watch. It's pretty surreal, and pretty empty. Too bad I have 1 more night and 2 more exams here. I'm lonely already. It doesn't feel like summer. Its only like 40 degrees outside, excuse me mother nature but I believe that it's May and tomorrow is the beginning of my summer break... would it trouble you to make it at least 70 so I can sit outside and get tan for my week off? Lets hope she cooperates.
So the year is actually over. I'm done with a whole year of college. That just doesn't sound right. I've got a really long list of memories, but it doesn't seem like it's been a year already. I'm going to miss it here, being able to walk down two flights of stairs to talk to Pat & Drabo, or go to the B tower to see Jacque Amy & Matt. We're all going to be so far from each other next year. I don't even know what to say, I'm seriously in shock that all of my things are packed up and Taras stuff is completely gone and I'm done with classes. It flew by. One step closer to a life on my own. How exciting, and scary, and bittersweet.

I have realized that I am terrible with rejection. 18 years full of acceptance hasn't really given me a whole lot of experience with the notion that often in life I'm going to be rejected. And I therefore don't know how to handle it. I guess what I hate the most about rejection is when people say, oh well I didn't really want it anyways. Because how often is that true. I didn't make the dance team. I made it to the finals, and then they took 1 girl from us, and 4 incoming freshmen. For me to say, it's ok I didn't really want it anyways would be the biggest lie even though it would probably be the easiest way to deal with it. Even saying, "it's for the better" or "be proud of yourself for getting that far" doesn't help me out. I mean, yes there are good sides to not making the team; I can go on vacation with my family this summer, I'll be able to work at the fair and not have to be back at school in july, I'll have a life thats not devoted to the team. But still, I love dance so much that I wouldn't have really cared about the other things I'd have to give up. And I know I should be proud of myself for making it to the finals, only 20 of the 40 girls did and 14 of them were already on the team, so thats a pretty huge accomplishment. But I just hate not having anything to show for it. I mean, the finalists don't get to perform at nationals with the team, the finalists aren't on the field supporting the football and basketball teams, maybe I'm being selfish or setting lofty goals for myself. But when I know I can do it, and that I will give 100% effort all the time to do it, I'm not going to settle for anything less than the best. And this time I didn't get what I wanted and it's hard to deal with. And I sound really selfish and conceited, which is the furthest from what I'm really trying to get across, but I think that everyone thinks this way time to time, they just might not say it. I'm not even looking for sympathy at all here, it's great to hear that I'm a good dancer and all and I truly appreciate it but for me, I wasn't as good as I could have been this time and I hate that. I guess I'm just sick of not being good enough. During my last advising meeting with Claudia for the dance program, she told me I was definitely not ready for the 300 level modern class because of all my bad habits that I'm just reinforcing. Bad habits being jazz and ballet. But what if thats what I want to be, a jazz or ballet dancer? What if modern dance isn't what I want to do with my life? What if I think Claudia needs to open her mind and realize that modern dance isn't the only kind of dance in this world that is worthy of respect? I'm switching to a dance certificate (which is pretty much a minor) instead of a double major, since it's pretty much impossible to double major dance and music education. Sometimes I think all I want to do is move my butt to LA and try out for music videos and stuff, if only there was some security in a life like that, I'd be there in a heart beat. For now, I'll just have to deal with the closed-mindedness of Claudia Melrose, and the difficulty of making the dance team. I'll be over it eventually, probably as soon as I find something else to be a part of next year, which I'm sure I will. I guess I just need to learn to deal with the fact that I will not always get everything I want in life, and that sometimes your best just isn't enough. As hard as it is, it's the truth and I'll accept it eventually.

If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, please post a memory of you & me. It can be anything you want, be it good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then, post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.

its a good thing people will still love me. this sucks.

Its time to try out for the dance team. In like 45 minutes. Theres about 70 girls going for the 4 open spots. You'll still love me if I don't make it right?

Who knew I'd get so bored in a week at home? Not that I'm complaining... having no school is obviously wonderful, and having no homework to do is even more wonderful. It's just I feel like I should be spending my spring break doing something crazy exciting, and all I've done so far is gone bowling and finished a scrapbook. I bowled really well, which was cool. Got my first turkey ever! (for those of you non-bowlers thats three strikes in a row) Tomorrow I'm going shopping at Woodfield with T-Bone... yay for spending money at H&M and Forever 21! And Saturday I'm going to Ikea and Gurnee Mills with my mom... more spending money!! Hello new spring clothing.

Speaking of Spring... shouldn't it be getting warmer? It is March 24th after all, and it's still 40 degrees. Everything is so much better when its warm. I'm happier, I don't mind walking to class, I say let's bring the temperature up a few (or 20) degrees and everything will work out for the better.

Well... 2 weekends ago was the busiest weekend of my life. I had a dance show friday night, followed by my school of music audition, lunch with the fam, choir concert, and dance show on saturday. Let's just say it was pretty crazy.

The dance show went really well, people actually liked it a lot and I had a lot of fun in it. The only bad thing was, we did this part on rolly stools, and another girl and I got way too close so I got kneed in the ear and hit on various other parts of my body... it hurt, but my mom said she didn't even notice, so thats good. Cast party this sunday, nothing like watching the videos and sharing funny stories with your fellow dancers.

My school of music audition was... to say the least... nervewrecking. I never get nervous for anything, dance, tests, you name it, I'm usually pretty calm. But I was crazy nervous for this. And then I walked into the theater and there were 8 of the faculty members spread out on the stage for me to sing to. eeekk. But it went really well, minus a few notes where my voice went out of whack, most likely due to this intense nervousness. At the time of course I thought I did terrible cause the judge was like... when your voice does that, what do you think causes it?? and I was like well its never happened before, so I have no idea. And then I left and cried on the way home. haha thats so me, emotional basketcase. But I received my letter of acceptance in the mail a few days ago!! So I can finally start calling myself a real music education major, and take my voice lessons and piano classes. I am so excited!

This Saturday it was 60 degrees. In wisconsin. today... it is back to 20. This weather is going to drive me nuts! I'm so much happier when it's warm, and all the hippies are in the courtyard playing frisbee and the basketball courts are filled up and I don't have to put on a jacket and scarf and gloves to walk ten feet to the dining hall. Lets hope that soon enough this happy weather returns to us.

Tonight I have a 6-page paper to write. About a Hayden minuet, and the change throughout the piece in result to the modulations that occur. How I am going to get 6 pages out of that is beyond me... but lets just say you will not be talking to me or seeing me until I turn that thing in Thursday morning.

Well I have made a decision... I am trying out for the UW dance team. Truth is, I haven't even made it yet and don't know if I will, so why worry about it now? Plus, like Katherine said, I can't imagine myself just not even trying. I know for sure I would kick myself for it if I didn't. So wish me luck, UW dance team here I come!! Hopefully you'll all be seeing me out on the field at Camp Randall next year :)

So I am faced with a difficult decision here. I reallllly want to try out for the dance team next year. But I can't decide if the cons outweigh the pros. Therefore, I am going to list them for my own benefit and if anyone has any opinions (that is if anyone still reads this) feel free to give me a little shout out.

Pros:

- great experience
- opportunity to travel with the football and basketball teams
- meeting new people
- they are absolutely awesome dancers (4th in the nation this year i believe)
- being forced to work out, I'd be in incredible shape and probably improve my skills a whole lot
- I miss dance soooo much, and their style is the kind of dance I'm used to
- being at every football and bball game
- getting to perform for thousands of people
- going to nationals in florida in january
- my coach from high school has talked to the coach here about me

Cons:

- being back at school the first week in August
- no real Christmas break, since games continue during that time
- I'd have to decline the hip hop teaching job I got
- the practices are at Camp Randall which is like a 15 minute walk away, but it'd add up
- tons of stress cause it's such a huge committment
- selling my ticket to the Maroon 5 concert since try-outs are the same day
- participating less in the dance program stuff
- not making the team, and sacrificing the concert and job for nothing

I guess the biggest thing for me is probably never getting to go home. Like holidays may come, but the games don't stop. But how many people can say they travelled to the Rose bowl with the Badger football team? Or took 4th in the nation? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what do i do???

It's Friday, and I am ready early for some reason. Ready for my 8:30 sightsinging test, 8:50 dance history, 9:55 music theory, 11:00 Anthropology discussion, 12:00 Choir, 1:20 Modern & 3:55 catch the bus home. Longest Friday ever... hopefully I'll make it through.

I am going home today, and I am very excited. Tara, Josh, & Jeremy are going home too so we should have a fun bus ride. And by fun I mean me reading anthropology the whole way as long as its still light out. I am going to try to get a lot of things done this weekend, scrapbook for my grandparents being around the top of the list, along with copies of my digital pictures and making an album of dance pictures from shows and stuff. Oh yes, and studying, and shopping with my mom for shoes. (the latter being the more important of the two of course)

Tara and I got Maroon 5 tickets! April 22 at the Rave. I am soooo incredibly excited.

A few people in my life are going through some hard things. I hate being the one who sits and listens to them talk about their problems and has nothing to say to it. I will listen all you want me to, but sometimes there just isn't anything you can say to make a situation better and I absolutely hate that. I feel like I should have some sort of answer all the time, and I feel so bad when I can't come up with one. But I guess being there for a hug is better than having all the answers anyways, since there is no such thing as having all the answers... and I'm good at the hugging.

Yay for productivity! I seriously was more productive today than I have been in quite some time. Wrote a dance paper, did an anthropology worksheet, went to the library to do research, did a huge music theory assignment, and even started a few things that aren't even due tomorrow! What is up?

So Valentines Day is Monday... and this year is going to be my favorite Valentines Day yet :) Although its automatically better than the worst Valentines day ever that occured last year, so that makes it easy for this one to be good.

I hurt my back. I have no idea what I did. But it hurts very badly. Like theres something inside my back compressing really really tight and only letting go when I stop breathing. Not good. But I have my icy/hot patches, so I'm feeling pretty good right about now.

I'm going home next weekend. To finish this scrapbook I'm making for my grandparents and also to watch some tv on our new big screen tv in the basement that I have yet to see. Well and to see my family.

I've been doing a lot of dance lately. I'm choreographing 4 numbers in a student run show thats coming up in April, so I have to run a lot of rehearsals for that. It's coming along really well, my dancers are super fun and the dances are going to look great. The show is April 9th & 10th for anyone that might happen to be in Madison then, I suggest you come... its' all kinds of dance from hip hop to ballet to flamenco, and its totally casual and fun. I'd love to see you there!

My cousin is getting married. In Maine, on July 30th. So my family gets to go on two vacations this summer! First to Colonial Williamsburg, which I am totally pumped for because I am a huge dork and I like historical things like that, and then to Camden, Maine to see my cousin get married! How exciting this summer will be.

As for now, I have a 5 class day tomorrow (yes tomorrow is friday, and no I don't know how I screwed that up during scheduling for the semester) so I must sleep. Good night moon.

Well... I guess a lot has happened since my last entry. Being that my last entry was 4 months ago. I'm at Madison, and I love it. School is hard, it's sort of weird actually having to study for things and sometimes not getting good grades. Not to sound conceited, but I guess I never really had to think about it a whole lot in high school. But it's good for me, and I'm still doing pretty well. I've got a bunch of new friends, but I'm staying close to my old ones too. I miss some people like crazy, it's so weird not seeing the people you're so used to seeing every day of your life. I really miss Lianna, and Amber, and I miss AOD soooo much. Come to think of it, I miss dancing so much. Granted I do have a few classes here, but they're nothing like what I used to have. I have a weird modern class with Claudia Melrose... quick mental picture for you... about 60ish years old, long black curly hair, wears the same black spandex pants with soccer shorts and black tank top every single day... thats good old Claudia. I'm also in Music theory, which is hard, but at least it's something I like doing. I have that every morning for two semesters, which sucks, but I need it for my major so I guess I'll have to deal with it. Nutritional science is boring, I can't wait to be done with spanish, and marriage & family is a killer power lecture on Monday and Wednesday nights. But other than that, everything is great.
The football games here rock. School spirit is out of control, which is so much fun. Plus we're undefeated... which makes it even more fun! So much more to say... but I don't feel like emptying my thoughts out right now, so you'll just have to sit in excruciating anticipation until I post once again.

Well, today I am finally 18!!! Exciting, although I know you've all been through that already since I'm a baby.

Tomorrow morning I leave bright and early (5:00) for Florida, we're stopping in Indianapolis for the RCA tennis Tournament, which Andy Roddick is in, so I hope we get to watch his match. Then off to Nashville to visit the fam, and finally 6 wonderful days in Disneyworld! My favorite place on earth!

I'll talk to you all on August 1st when I'm home again!

How can I get pictures on here? Help me please!